I was worried about being a mother with disabilities. Now, I have hugged it – all with one hand

This is the first person’s experience of column Kiri Fedorus, which lives in Grande Prey, Alta. For more information about CBC’s first person stories, please View faq,

When I sat on the toilet seat, time was still standing, holding a positive pregnancy test.

I always wanted to become a mother, but because I have a spastic cerebral palsy, it never felt realistic. And although I was never asked to say that “I can’t” without giving it to all of myself, to find out that I was pregnant, I was one of the only time where I doubted my ability to remove and adapt.

It was not that I was uncertain if I would be a good mother. Instead, it was uncertainty. Was my body capable of growing a child and giving birth? What about the years before raising a child?

When I told my mother, I was looking for some kind of rest and knew that he would understand my concern. He has always assured me that I am able to handle any obstacle, and I need that assurance again.

Live with cerebral palsy

Cerebral palsy is a neurological disorder caused by brain trauma that occurs before birth, during, or shortly after. It can affect motor skills, movement, balance and currency, and it is different for all. There is no diagnosis at all because no two people have experienced the trauma of the same brain exactly.

I have spastic hemipalgic cerebral palsy, which means that my muscles are stressful on one side of my body. I have a lame, my right hand stays at an angle of 90 degrees, and my right hand often closes and does not do much work.

When I was six months old, I was diagnosed, so I have known all this. There was no adjustment or learning how to live with it. I have naturally allowed my body to compensate for my right.

But having a child is very different from finding out how to do my hair.

When my partner and I talked about my future, we agreed that we wanted a family and as soon as we go, my mother reminded me of taking me day -to -day and she will be at every step in every way.

Even if I was not completely sure how I was going to manage, I knew that there are already two people in my corner.

But I still cried. I knew it was not easy and I was very nervous to get excited.

First I got pregnant, then I got worried

I found a wonderful doctor who directed me through my pregnancy. I had no complication and I came to know that my disability was not a factor whether I would be at high risk.

As I reached my due date, I was set in a new fear. The task of giving labor and birth depended on working together on my body’s muscles and I was spreading it. I decided to birth Caesarean. This was not an easy option, but I wanted to ensure my child’s safety.

Two days after my son’s birth, I returned home and focused on being a mother.

Due to my cerebral palsy, I trust to rely on my abdominal muscles and I continued to struggle to recover from Caesarean as well. While I was treating, I gave myself grace and told myself that it is fine that my boundaries with dynamics mean that I was not able to bounce my child to sleep or kill him.

First of all, it was easy when someone was with me that I would help him take him and do things that I could not do. But I knew that the time is coming when I would need to take my newborn child with just one hand.

When I came to manage myself, there was no overthinking.

He was in his bed and I slowly leaned down and said to him, “Okay, my dear boys, let’s find out this.” I lifted her lower half, moved her spine to my left and grabbed her neck, while I bowed to her chest. I felt a great feeling of relief because we were sitting together while he slept in my arms.

It has been almost two years since my son’s birth. I have only done diaper change, bath and breastfeeding with one hand.

I am also looking for ways to use my journey as a disabled mother to help other new mothers who are feeling worried or frightened. I launched an Instagram platform, called Mother’s Inclusive and have participated with Grande Preary Public Library to run a support group for mothers in their community.

It is powerful to support other mothers and learn to give themselves grace when I wonder I’m going to find out the next chapter of motherhood.

I have always believed that my disability is not an entry, but just a side dish. I have proved myself in whatever has been given to me in life – I am capable – but that it may take me longer to do with one hand. Turning back, I have only one regret. I wish I would not be overwhelmed by anxiety and allowed myself to be in love with the idea of ​​being a mother.

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