How following gentle parenting online left this mom feeling ‘powerless’

When Kayla Huszar became a mother, she vowed she would be a parent who would raise children who would feel empowered to express their emotions, think for themselves, and develop a strong sense of self.

“I wanted to raise emotionally intelligent and regulated (children),” said Huszar, who lives in Alberta. the currentHost Matt Galloway.

Although her own childhood was not as harsh as some of her peers who grew up in strict homes, she still felt the weight of “old-school” attitudes—often shaped by Baby Boomer values ​​of obedience and authority.

In search of a more compassionate and emotionally adjusted path, Hussar turned to “gentle parenting”, a modern method of child-rearing that prioritizes empathy, emotional validation, and calm, respectful communication.

But its reality did not come out the way Huszar had expected.

one in Recently Published Essay called My Mistakes in Gentle Parenting: No timeouts, no limits, complete chaos, She described how an approach that once seemed so promising left her feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and unsure of her role as a parent.

And Huszar is far from alone.

A Study published in journal plus oNortheast F in 2024found that one-third of parents who self-identified as gentle parents reported feelings of exhaustion and parenting uncertainty.

What is gentle parenting?

Parenting styles come in many forms, from helicopter to free-range.

But recently, gentle parenting has become approach to go For many Millennial and Gen Z parents.

This method has become popular online, with people sharing their experiences through blogs, videos and social media posts. The hashtag #gentleparenting is trending on InstagramMore than 1 sed.2 million posts, and on TikTok, the tag has amassed over 270,000 videos.

But according to Huszar, what she learned online couldn’t prepare her for the unexpected reality of parenting young children.

“A lot of it was very scripted,” Huszar said. “If you take these one, two, three steps, you will avoid, reduce, navigate meltdowns or behavioral disturbances.”

For example, she said, if a child throws a tantrum over getting a blue cup instead of a red cup, the script might suggest saying: “I can see you’re upset that you got the blue cup instead of the red cup. That must be really annoying.”

In theory, this type of emotional validation is meant to reduce stress. But Hussar said this rarely works in practice, and no tools are offered for when things escalate.

“What if they start throwing chairs? What if they start talking back? What if they fall to the floor and start screaming or writhing around, which is what babies do?”

She shared one memory in particular: her eldest son, who was four and a half years old at the time, wanted a toy during a shopping trip. Huszar tried all the techniques, he said – he expressed sympathy, offered alternatives, promised to meet again, but “no amount of negotiation” worked.

Eventually, Hussar said he had given up.

And trying to stick to the gentle parenting formula ultimately took a real emotional toll.

“There is no one in between,” he said. “It’s either I’m following the script and I’m patient and I can do it… (and) when it doesn’t work, there’s this frustration, this powerlessness.”

Parents are the ‘dance leaders’

Dr. Ashley Miller said she hears stories like Huszar’s all the time.

As a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of British Columbia and a child and adolescent psychiatrist, Miller says that many well-meaning parents are attracted to gentle parenting, but often find themselves confused or overwhelmed by how to actually implement it.

The approach, which aims to replace punishment and shame with emotional regulation and connection, is often misunderstood — especially online, Miller said.

On social media, she said, gentle parenting is often limited to a constant emphasis on empathy and emotional validation, while equally important elements — like setting clear boundaries — are left out.

This narrow interpretation can leave parents feeling overwhelmed, unsupported, and unsure how to balance kindness with authority.

In reality, gentle parenting doesn’t mean being permissive or removing limits, she said. It’s about setting firm, clear expectations, but doing so with empathy and explanation, not punishment.

“(Gentle parenting) really includes setting boundaries in its definition,” she said.

Miller also stressed that parents need to “feel empowered to be in charge.”

“They are the leaders of the dance,” she said. “So, if parents feel completely disempowered that they can’t say certain words for fear of social judgment or that it’s wrong in some way, then really their hands are tied, and that’s not a good situation to be in for a parent.”

Finding a more balanced approach

For Hussar, the turning point came when his eldest son, as he was getting ready to go out, was struggling to open the combination lock of the pool locker, became overwhelmed and in frustration, threw it at him.

He missed, and she calmly warned him that if he did it again, they wouldn’t go – but he threw it away once again. still,

“That’s when I realized (gentle parenting) wasn’t working because I had no authority in my own home,” she said.

What Hussar thought was empathy and emotional intelligence, he realized was evasiveness.

“It was like putting on a mask,” he said. “I just needed to say the right thing to avoid a behavior, to avoid a meltdown. I wasn’t dealing with the behavior.”

Now, Hussar said she’s working toward a more balanced approach — “somewhere in the middle” between official and gentle.

“Sometimes, I have time for 45 minutes to ‘let’s feel the emotions, let’s go through the motions,’” ​​Huszar said. “I think it’s important for every human being to go through their stress cycle.”

“And sometimes, it’s like, ‘No, really, we have to go. Like, I have to go to work, this life has limits.'”

“Is it healthy to always suppress your emotions and deal with them later? No,” Huszar said.

“But is it resilience and crisis tolerance? Yes.”