How AI is infiltrating the dating world, from crafting flirty messages to matchmaking
When Shelley Carr last met a new guy on Tinder who talked candidly about art, politics, and theater, she thought she’d found someone she could really connect with.
“I’m an artsy person. I go to theater, I go to see plays and I go to art galleries, and so I’m looking for someone like that, right?” He said.
“It was like we had the same interests and it’s very rare for that to happen.”
So, he asked her to meet him in person to see if they would be successful in real life.
But as soon as Carr saw her in person, when he got off the bus in Hamilton to meet her for their date, she felt “there’s no way that the person I’m talking to is the same person who got off that bus.”
That feeling was confirmed a few minutes later, when Carr’s date told her that those wonderful messages were not written by her, but by ChatGPT.
Carr, who is 56, said she was shocked.
“I’ve dealt with a lot of different things, but never dealt with that.”
Carr’s story is just one example of how AI is changing online dating. But whether this will be better or worse depends on who you talk to.
Companies are eager to jump on the AI bandwagon, unveiling new features using AI that promise to help users improve their dating game. But some users, especially women, say it has made it more difficult to tell fact from fiction, and as a result has made finding love more difficult.
AI tools are now part of the dating app experience
Regina Hay, a 24-year-old woman living and dating in Toronto, said she has been using dating apps for years. But in recent months, he said it feels like AI is being used everywhere, from people’s profiles to the messages they send.
This February, she said she was chatting with a potential date through an app that was going well, until he sent her a complex ode to Spotify Wrapped that didn’t seem to be written by her.
Hay says he felt betrayed when he admitted to using AI when he explained the change in tone.
She said, “If I want to have an automated conversation, I can use ChatGPT, I can get it done myself. But I talked to him because I wanted to talk to the person.”
As well as the spread of ChatGPT-generated messages and third-party applications RidgeAlmost every major dating platform is incorporating AI into their apps to improve the user experience and combat swipe fatigue.
Almost everything happens through cellphones these days, including dating, with users just one swipe away and potentially finding a long-term partner and a match away. But some young people are breaking ties with their dating apps, citing a desire to find more authentic connections and the stress of not getting the desired results.
bumble Unveiled In February its AI-suggested profile guidance feature was designed to give users “personalized, actionable feedback” on their bios. Facebook also claims AI Assistant Its dating app feature can help users to enhance their profile.
These AI tools can be effective because getting a match really depends on how well you present yourself, said Skylar Wang, a research scientist at Handshake AI and an assistant professor of sociology at McGill University, who studies how digital platforms shape relationships.
“With these generative AI tools, the idea is that you basically have a very intelligent coach or guide that can help guide your on-app behavior and help you best position yourself within the ecosystem.”
confusion added
But if people are using AI to make their profiles more attractive and craft messages, the ability to decide whether someone would be a good potential partner in real life becomes harder.
“The hurdle to accurately ascertaining whether a person is genuine is now even greater.”
Carr says that’s how she felt when she found out her date was using ChatGPT.
“It was as if all those red flags that you would normally catch in a conversation were completely removed because that chat was using GPT.”
day 69:17Flirty openers and customized bios: how AI is changing dating apps
Dating apps have been struggling to retain users for the past few years, so to improve the experience, almost every major dating platform is incorporating AI to help with everything from creating your profile, swiping/selecting for you, to writing the perfect first message. It’s changing the dating app industry and it’s also having an impact on the way people form relationships, says Stephanie Tong, a professor of communication studies at Wayne State University.
And if everyone is using AI to write their dating profiles, those profiles may also start to look alike, says Eve Tilly-Colson, a Los Angeles-based lawyer who runs a side-business helping people customize their dating profiles.
“It homogenizes the dating pool… and will make you more nervous and less interested in going on apps because no one is going to stand out.”
Hall said he thinks using AI to write his profile seems dishonest.
“I understand the reason for it, but I think for me it’s just the fact that it takes away the feeling of really getting to know someone,” she said.
“Yes, you may have told ChatGPT what to talk about and what points to make, but at the end of the day, the final part is not your job, and it’s not your words, so it won’t sound like you.”
AI is playing the role of matchmaker
Some businesses are taking the use of AI a step further, using it to act like a high-end matchmaker and bypass days or weeks of swiping.
such a platform, keeper.aiIt works by asking users to fill out a long list of questions about themselves and the type of partner they’re looking for, and then feeds that information into its algorithm to connect people. Its website says matches are vetted by humans to ensure “genuine compatibility.”
“We offer matches when we are confident they can lead somewhere,” says keeper.ai CEO and Founder Jake Kozlowski.
“So it’s a quality over quantity thing – I would argue that’s quite different from most other products in this sector.”
Kozlowski argued that legacy dating apps like Hinge aren’t designed to effectively help people find long-term partners because they don’t allow you to sort potential matches based on more esoteric criteria.
He said, “Apps are like spinning a slot machine when it comes to finding a long-term partner, and that’s so frustrating. It’s one of the most important meaningful things any of us can do in our lives, and until now, technology hasn’t addressed it well.”
“That’s why I built Keeper, to really create a solution that works here.”
Facebook’s AI “assistant” feature for the dating app can also be used to give people “personalized assistance” in finding better partners.
The Assistant enables users to refine their search criteria beyond the typical traits dating app users are accustomed to, such as age and education level, and enter “unique signals” tailored to what you’re looking for.
“For example, you can write ‘find me a Brooklyn girl in tech’ and the dating assistant will help you with your search,” it says in a news release about the new feature.
Tilley-Coulson said she worries that using AI to take on the role of matchmaker will make online dating even less romantic than before.
“I think AI is taking the simplification and commodification of love to the extreme,” he said.
“If you’re looking for a partner who checks your boxes, this would definitely be useful. If you’re looking for someone you’re in love with, I think this would be the furthest from that.”
